


heckin' concerned bois

by calvinahobbes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Arguing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, March 2018, References to Depression, so many F bombs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:55:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23757994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calvinahobbes/pseuds/calvinahobbes
Summary: Filming their Instagram Explore pages is a bad idea. But Dan hasn't slept all night, and his whole body is itching for something to do that isn't sitting around looking at what people write about him on the Internet.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 15
Kudos: 97





	heckin' concerned bois

**Author's Note:**

  * For [det395](https://archiveofourown.org/users/det395/gifts).



> Happy birthday, Jen! I hope you have a lovely day. You said you liked hurt/comfort including fights and their resolutions, and I really hope this fits the bill.
> 
> Thank you, Keelin, for brainstorming this one so extensively with me. Thank you so much, Jude, for all your super useful and thoughtful comments.
> 
> This title is, of course, from [that moment](https://youtu.be/JbWauFAMtzg?t=601) in Exposing Our Instagram Explore Pages! (10:01)

It's a bad idea. Dan knows it is. Sometimes it does actually work: They go into filming in a sour mood but come out of it refreshed, having laughed and had fun together. But this isn't just any minor spat. This is a million things at once. This is tour, and merch, and procrastinating coming out to his family, and Dan's Twitter damn near breaking under the force of people reacting to his last liveshow. 

He's been in a bad mood for so long by now. He's depressed, and he knows it. He wants to sleep for a year, but he can't because they're ramping up for the tour. The whole world is watching him, will be watching him, and all they care about is what "something else in my mouth" means. He's tired of it, tired of everything, tired of Phil for commenting on it and then tired of Phil for not commenting on it. 

So filming their Instagram Explore pages is a bad idea. But Dan hasn't slept all night, and his whole body is itching for something to do that isn't sitting around looking at what people write about him on the Internet. That is the only reason he agrees to even try when Phil suggests it to him.

"Look, it's on the list of ideas for pre-tour joint videos," Phil says. "It's quick to film, we can make a bunch of dick jokes, and then you can go right back to bed." 

It's that last comment that grates on Dan's already frazzled nerves. He glares at Phil who refuses to acknowledge his look. It's how Dan knows he means it and is actually quite resentful of how much Dan has been sleeping. They've had this discussion too. Is this really the moment for Dan to go off his meds? He wants to scream.

The problem is that filming keeps feeling like a bad idea. The sensation doesn't leave him once they get into it. He can hear himself talking and he hates every word, every disgusting sound their voices make. 

One moment he's commenting on a cute corgi and the next moment they're making sexual noises and Phil is rubbing his arm over Dan's face. 

"Okay, that was definitely too much," Dan says.

"We'll see," Phil says.

It pisses Dan off. It's an entirely innocuous comment, an exchange they've had a million times before, but it makes Dan feel as if Phil thinks he knows better than him -- in one more arena of their life.

"Well, keep your hands out of my face, at least," he says.

"Fine," Phil says curtly, and then he's right back to laughing like an idiot. His AmazingPhil persona is like a personal insult to Dan right now, that bubbling sweet personality that never seems to piss people off. Dan, on the other hand, just grates on everyone. Including himself.

They're about to switch phones and hook Dan's up to the recorder. They're talking over each other, there's no flow, Dan hardly knows what he's saying and then-- Phil fucking boops him on the nose. 

"Don't fucking touch me," he snaps, irritation flaring red-hot through his chest.

Phil does the wide-eyed AP-giggle and hides it behind his hand.

Dan can't even look at him. "I'm gonna fuckin' snap your fingers off one by one."

"Okay, jeez! Sorry," Phil says, voice wobbling dangerously between AP and something more serious.

"You just. You don't listen!" Dan says, and he hates his own whiny voice.

"I'm listening!" Phil says on a growl of frustration, rolling his eyes.

Dan takes a deep breath and forges on with the phone swap.

"I have to go," he says in a moderately joking tone. "I just realised that I've got an appointment…"

"No, no!" Phil yells over him and grabs Dan's phone right out of his hand.

Dan is up and out of the filming room before he's even realised it. He slams the door so hard the whole apartment rattles around him, and it feels good. 

He's seething with rage at Phil taking his phone instead of asking, and for one glorious second it burns through him, makes him feel awake and alert to every injustice the world has ever served him. Then it's gone, and he's cold again.

He's alone in the lounge, staring sightlessly out the window for less than a minute before the door opens and Phil comes out. Dan is afraid he'll scream if he comes near him. Afraid he will kick and bite and tear if he touches him at all. Afraid he'll cry the minute Phil wraps his arms around him, rests his head on his shoulder, kisses his ear. He can feel it before it even happens, tears pricking in his eyes but unable to spill. Just one more thing he can't get out.

But Phil doesn't actually come over, doesn't touch him or kiss him or make him cry. He goes to the kitchen and puts the kettle on. 

"D'you want a coffee?" Phil asks, voice normal, familiar, devoid of fake energy or cheer.

"No, I don't want a coffee, when do I ever want a fucking coffee?" Dan spits.

"D'you want a glass of water?" Phil asks, completely unfazed.

"No!"

Phil opens the cupboard and takes out the Nescafé. The clink of the spoon in the mug makes Dan irrationally annoyed, irrationally sad.

He whips around and stares at Phil. It takes a little while before Phil looks back at him. He has that look on his face, that nervous, placating one he gets when he knows Dan is about to tear him a new one. Dan feels it building inside him, like a bullet of resentful accusations ready to shoot out of his mouth and hit his target. He swallows around it, feels his face fall into something pathetic, mouth dragging down like a tragedy mask.

"I just get so angry when you touch me when I've asked you not to," he says.

Phil sighs and puts the spoon down. It leaves a little pool of brown water on the table top. "I know. I'm sorry."

"I know it's part of our whole 'thing'." He waggles his hand to indicate the entire Dan and Phil brand. 

"Yeah."

Phil isn't looking at him. He's angry now, and he's gone petulant, and Dan wishes he would just _say_ something.

"But it's just not _funny_ to me right now," he pleads, hopelessly.

Phil rolls his eyes then. "Jesus Christ, Daniel. That's the thing, isn't it? You just want to wallow in your own self-pity, but we don't have _time_ for anymore existential crises!" His voice is rising as he talks and by the end he is actually shouting.

"I'M TRYING TO COME OUT!" Dan yells.

"I know!" Phil yells back. "But maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself!"

Dan whirls back around, staring out of the window again.

"Maybe not all your major life changes have to happen right the hell now!" Phil goes on.

Dan wraps his arms around himself.

"You're not using 'I' statements," he says. His voice is small and childish and he knows it. 

Phil huffs, and it's difficult to tell if it signals annoyance or amusement.

The tap turns on and then Phil comes over.

" _I_ would like you to drink some water," he says, voice deep and soothing once again. "And I would like us to finish filming."

Dan turns and manages to make eye contact. The world doesn't implode. His mood doesn't sky-rocket back into red. He takes the glass of tepid tap water and sips it. It tastes like crap. Everything does.

"Fine." He takes another drink of disgusting water. "This is just gonna make me need a wee," he says, but there's no fight or resentment in his voice.

Phil must be able to hear it because his face looks softer again. He takes the glass back and says, "Or maybe you can just cry it out instead."

It catches Dan off guard. Even despite the haze of feeling like crap it pings in the back of his mind as funny. He knows he must look a bit stunned, standing there being called out for being a drama queen.

"Yeah, okay, good one," he mumbles.

Phil almost giggles. It's just a little sound, something between an exhalation of air and a laugh. It's kind of cute. Phil turns away and goes to put the glass back on the counter.

Dan watches the back of his head. Phil is not the enemy, he thinks sadly. It would be so much easier if he was.

The fight has definitely gone out of him when they sit back down in the AmazingPhil room. He knows, because within seconds Phil once again yanks his phone out of his hand, and Dan doesn't even care anymore. Phil is happy again, Dan can sense his relief, and weirdly it loosens something up inside him further.

"Shiba inus!" Phil says, excitedly. 

The two dogs on the screen are snarling viciously at each other, and Dan definitely feels a kinship with them.

"Yes," Dan says. "Specifically, heckin' concerned bois. That is recommended for me. A big fight, indeed. It's me and you," he says softly as the realisation comes to him.

Phil looks up at him, quickly, and Dan looks back. He shrugs his shoulder. It's not exactly an apology, but it is meant to indicate that he knows he's being an asshole. It's hardly the end of this argument, but they've reached another cease fire. Maybe this video is a bad idea, but Dan is in the middle of a sea of bad ideas right now, so really -- what's one more?

Phil smiles at him, and Dan knows Phil is the one thing that will never feel like a bad idea.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. [Like/reblog on tumblr.](https://calvinahobbes.tumblr.com/post/616018940960866304)


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